Until We Bleed
by abrokentardis
Summary: I felt sick. I felt this emptiness in the pit of my stomach and I couldn't do anything to get rid of it. It hurt… the pain. It's the worst kind of pain… it's not painful but it's uncomfortable and it chokes you. I felt my stomach in my throat in the most stupid of situations. I never really thought I was that bad, honestly. I never let myself get that bad. Hopefully.
1. Prologue

**Until We Bleed**

Prologue, _B__reathe_

* * *

_Inhale_

_Exhale_

_Inhale_

_Exhale_

I felt sick. I felt this emptiness in the pit of my stomach and I couldn't do anything to get rid of it. It hurt… the pain. It's the worst kind of pain… it's not painful but it's uncomfortable, it chokes you. I felt my stomach in my throat in the most stupid of situations. I never really thought I was that bad, honestly, I never let myself get that bad. Or at least I hope I didn't let myself get that bad. I never wanted to be dependent on people; I wanted to take care of myself and those that I loved and cared for but I won't let others take care of me. Honestly, I am too much to handle, that's why. My friends couldn't take care of me anyway

I dragged the cigarette from its spot from in between my lips, feeling the heat burn at the flesh letting me know I had burned it to the filter. I leaned over, twisting the bud into the ashtray before leaning back in my chair, crossing my left leg over my right. I felt the anxiety swarm through my stomach and into my chest like a flock of bees. I clenched my eyes shut, absentmindedly scratching at the top of my thigh which I immediately regretted as I felt the stinging and burning pulse against my jeans.

_Just breathe_

"Ness"

I attempted to swallow the knot lodged in my throat as I stared at said ashtray, watching the bud go out. I slid my tongue between my dry lips, proceeding to scratch at my jean covered thigh. I inhaled the warm bar air before pushing it out of my lungs again.

"Nessa?"

I felt Chop nudge at my ribcage, causing me to bite down on my lip and close my eyes, trying hard to keep the cries of pain to myself. I let go of my lip as my eyes flew open to glance over at my good friend.

_Why do I do this to myself?_

"Ness, y' alright?" Chop questioned, eyeing the blonde girl in the chair between him and Finn

_Shit_

"Ah, yeah… yeah, I'm great," I felt the corners of my mouth turn up to reassure him "Just a little out of it, today."

I wanted to tell them everything… everything I do… what I do to myself. But I'm scared. I'm scared they'll shun me away and realize how mental I am. I love them too much… they'd take it the wrong way. Or maybe I'm just over exaggerating.

"You sure?" Izzy frowned

She sounded so sweet and worried and I'm sure it killed me a little bit inside.

Part of me hesitated at her question

"Yeah"

I nodded my head before reaching for my coat and hanging it over my forearm, standing up from my spot

"I need some fresh air."

Was the last thing I said before walking away from the table and pushing the bar door open, stepping out and scanning the area before moving out of the doorway and sitting on the edge of the sidewalk. I moved the hair out of my face before pulling the beat up pack of cigarettes from the pocket of my jacket, opening the cartridge and slipping one between my lips. I patted my jean pockets for my shitty lighter but it was nowhere to be found.

I reached up and patted my chest, again, not finding it. Why me?

"You've got to be shitting me." I groaned, flopping my jacket on my lap feeling completely defeated until I felt a presence flop down next to me. I glanced over seeing that it was Finn

_My hero!_

He pulled out his zippo before leaning over to me and sparking the lighter as it hovered beneath the cancerous stick in between my lips. I sucked in slightly, feeling the smoke fill up my lungs before I exhaled as I watched Finn stuff his lighter in his jacket pocket before looking back over at me.

"What's up?" Finn breathed, taking the cigarette from my lips and placing then placing it between his own before sucking in.

"Er, the sky?" I squinted, feeling a smirk creep up on my face, glancing at him briefly

"Very funny, smart ass, but really" Finn chuckled

_Breathe_

I stared at him, watching him drag the cigarette from his lips and hold it out for me to take. I glanced between him and the cigarette before reaching over and taking it from him, positioning my fingers slightly below the start of the filter.

"I don't know." I sighed

I brought the cigarette to my lips again, sucking the tip of the filter before holding it in. I felt the lovely light headedness for more than a mere second before flicking the gathered ash off the top.

Finn scooted closer to me, grabbing my free hand and intertwining our fingers, causing my face to tint red. It made me happy that he turned my evil swarming anxiety bee's into butterflies

"You can tell me anythin'… you know that?" Finn reminded as I watched him eye me

_God I fucking love your stupid fucking face_

I let out a sigh, "I know. I just… I don't know."

"Tell me." Finn grinned, rubbing the pad of his thumb in circles on my hand

"I can't." I shook my head, taking another drag

"Why not?" Finn bit down on his lip as he eyed me

"I'll tell you when I'm ready," I grinned at him "Okay?"

"Okay." Finn grinned back at me before I laid my head on his shoulder

* * *

**A/N:** Thought I'd give this fic a shot, my first for mmfd. Just a warning but this fic will most likely be triggering, seeing as though it's part of my character's plot/story thing. I hope you guys like it and let me know if I should continue?


	2. Champagne Supernova

**Until We Bleed**

Chapter One, _Champagne Supernova_

* * *

Nessa froze in front of the very sickly blue door, taking a breath in before tapping her knuckles on it. She slipped her bottom lip between her teeth as the door swung open to reveal a grinning Finn in the doorway. The boy moved out of the way so she could enter, throwing his free arm around her when she walked in before shutting the door behind him with his foot.

Nessa made her way up the stairs and entered his room. The girl pulled off her jacket and flopped onto his bed and sprawling out onto it. Finn chuckled at her and sat in the empty chair beside the bed, hunching over and resting his arms on his knees. Nessa glanced over at him shooting him a look

"What?" Nessa laughed, pushing herself up

"Nothing" Finn replied, a grin on his face

Nessa shook her head at the boy before lying back down. She stared at the blank ceiling, pushing the hair from her face before resting her hands on her stomach. Finn leaned back in the chair, running his fingers through his chocolate hair then stood up before patting Nessa on the knee

"We should get going." Finn stated, picking up his leather jacket from off the floor and pulling it on. Nessa groaned and proceeded to sit up pulling her own jacket on and standing up. Finn propped his hand on his hip as a gesture for her to wrap her arm around his. Nessa rolled her eyes, linking her arm with his and walking out of his bedroom

* * *

"Where's Clo?" Nessa questioned the group at the table, leaning over and kissing Izzy on the cheek.

Izzy grinned leaning into her, feeling the blonde's fingers run through her hair while Finn slid off his jacket, tying it around his waist before sitting down next to Chop.

Chop shrugged, "Hell if I know."

"Izzy!" Chloe shouted from across the pub, dragging the gang's attention to her. The brunette made her way over to their table before running her fingers through her hair "My best mate's here so please at least try to be nice, will ya?"

Nessa darted her eyes around the packed bar, sitting down next to Izzy while a girl came up behind Chloe. Nessa met the girls' gaze, smiling at her. Something about her eyes seemed familiar, like they connected in a way.

Chloe grabbed the girls hand, "Everyone, this is Rae."

"Right" Rae smiled slightly

"Hiya." Izzy grinned glancing up at her before looking back at Nessa, watching the girl wave at Rae

"Hi." Chop said taking a swig of his pint

"Do you want a drink?" Chloe asked, glancing over at her friend

"Ah, no it's alright," Rae shook her head "I don't drink."

"Really?"

"Yeah." Rae confirmed as the two sat down at the table

"Where's Archie?" Chloe questioned

"Somewhere," Izzy answered "He said he was coming."

Nessa leaned her head on the red head's shoulder while Izzy fiddled with a case

"What're you doin'? You trying to get us kicked out?" Chop said as he watched the girl's actions

Izzy giggled, patting Nessa's hair.

"Yeah, make yourself useful and take a picture of the biggest piefens in the world." Chop motioned, lifting up his arm and flexing his muscles. Nessa sat up straight, shaking her head at the duo, reaching up and pulling her hair up into a chaotic bun. Izzy reached for the polaroid taking a picture of the flexing boy.

"Yeah, let me have a go." Izzy laughed

"Archie, get up here!" The man near the microphone demanded as the entire pub cheered as Archie walked onto the stage. Izzy clapped her hands and cheered. Nessa lifted two fingers to her mouth and whistled for her friend, hearing constant shouts from the boys

"This is a little hit that came out a few months back." Archie spoke into the microphone from his spot on the bar stool, putting his fingers near the right strings on his guitar. The bar went silent so they could hear the boy sing. Nessa grinned at Archie as he sung the chorus, pulling out a pack of cigarettes, taking one out before setting them on the table. Nessa slipped the cigarette between her lips, sparking her lighter and burning the tip. Once lip she tossed the lighter on the table, watching Archie and singing along with him

Soon enough the song was over and Archie made his way over to the group, setting his guitar on a nearby wall. Chop and Finn patted the boy on the back before walking over to Nessa and planting a kiss on her cheek. Nessa grinned, grabbing the cigarette from her lips and leaning over to hug him. The two pulled away and he repeated the process to Izzy before sitting down.

* * *

Rae's P.O.V

* * *

So this is what I've worked out so far about the gang

**The gang**:

1. Chloe

There's Chloe, who's like my oldest friend… We kinda grew apart over the last year. I guess I kinda had my own stuff going on… like wondering why my best friend was growing apart from me. Like wondering why I was having a secret mental break down… but whatever, it's complicated I guess

"There's no topping's on this." Izzy said staring down at the pizza

"Oh no, what're you going to do! The world is ending guys!" Nessa shouted dramatically, grabbing hold onto Finn and Chloe's forearms for the drama.

"You opened the box upside down you diff." Chop shook his head as Izzy flipped the pizza on the other side, reaching over and squeezing ketchup all over it.

2. Izzy

Then there's Izzy, she's so cute. I've only known her for two hours but I can't imagine she'd have a negative thought about… anything.

"You two are so like a married couple sometimes." Chloe giggled while her hand dug in a bag in search for food. Nessa nodded in agreement.

"Oh gross, it'd be like marrying my sister." Chop shivered

"Yeah, so gross" Izzy frowned causing the blonde girl to frown also

3. Nessa

The third girl, Nessa, I don't know what it is about her but I just feel comfortable with her. I think she has that effect on everyone. And she's American. Even better.

There's three boys

4. Chop

Rating: Slice. He doesn't even go to school; Chloe says he works down at some garage fixing cars somewhere

"I don't care what you say; Jennifer Aniston is fitter than Pammy." Chop told "There's only one woman fitter than both of them."

"Bollocks. Who?" Finn questioned

"Your mum." Chop laughed, causing a chain reaction within the group. Finn grabbed the ketchup bottle, aiming it at Chop "No, n-"

5. Finn

And Finn's a bit of a grumpy sod. He's such an epic slice, but he massively knows it.

Finn squeezed the bottle, ketchup squirting all over Chop causing him to grab his hot dog and toss it which eventually hit Archie's face. Nessa gasped, her mouth forming in an 'O'

6. Archie

And finally, Archie, **Ultimate** Slice. Half geek, half rock god, so hot he'd make a priest kick a hole in a stained glass window. I wanna do 14,000 romances on him.

Archie took a fist full of chips, tossing them back at Chop causing him to toss another hot dog in his direction. Chloe swung her bag of chips while Finn grabbed for the ketchup bottle again, now aiming at Nessa.

"Don't you dare." Nessa breathed, flinching as the boy squirted ketchup all over her. Nessa grabbed the mustard bottle in front of her and did the same to him then to Chloe. Izzy picked up her pizza box, tossing it into Chop's face

The entire table was a mess and so were they by now. The owners demanded they leave and the gang piled out of the building, laughing

I couldn't believe it, they're were actually cool people in Lincolnshire

7. Rae?

* * *

Finn hopped on Chop's back as Chloe wrapped an arm around Izzy and Nessa. They had all been covered in food and sauce.

Nessa made a face, pulling a chip out of her cleavage and holding it up nearly causing Finn to piss himself

"Oh! Everyone." Chloe started grabbing Izzy's face "Party at mine on Saturday to celebrate Izzy's birthday!"

The gang's cheers rang out for their friend. Finn grabbed the polaroid, holding it out to Rae.

"Here y'are, Chloe's mate!" Finn said "Take a picture."

Nessa grinned at the black haired girl as Rae went to reach for the camera but froze, zipping down the cuff of her jacket before grabbing it

"It's Rae." Chloe reminded

"May you take a picture of us, will you?" Finn ignored her, hovering over Chop, placing him in a choke hold. Nessa was next to Izzy, an arm rested on Finn's back. Her lips stayed on Izzy's cheek for the picture while Archie had and arm wrapped around Chloe. Rae took the photo and as soon as the group saw the flash they pulled apart.

The group surrounded Rae to see the photo, laughing

"Chop! Your guns nearly don't fit in that picture." Rae laughed

* * *

"Rae!" Nessa shouted, standing up so fast her seat knocked over. The girl pouted "Oops?"

Rae smiled at her as she and Chloe sat down. Izzy shook her head at her best friend, picking up the chair. Nessa sat back down on the said chair before hiccuping.

"Sorry, she's slightly drunk." Izzy said, patting Nessa's back

"Nu uh" Nessa shook her head

"Drunk? Isn't it not even noon?" Rae knitted her eyebrows together

"That's not stopping 'er." Finn said before turning to Archie, pushing over a coin "Archie, put something decent on the jukebox, will you?"

Rae grabbed the coin before Archie could reach it "I'll do it."

"No, I want Archie to do it," Finn started "He knows his music."

"I know my music." Rae stated

"Look, May-"

"It's Rae." Rae corrected

"As in Raymond?" Finn asked

"As in Rachel."

"Whatever, Rae, it's my 20p, and I want Archie to do it, alright?" Finn said

"If you don't like what I put on, I'll give you your 20p back." Rae said before getting up and walking over to the jukebox

Nessa reached over and smacked the back of Finn's head

"Oi!" Finn shouted, giving the girl a look

"Must you be a waffly twat?" Nessa tilted her head to the side, waiting for his answer

Finn rubbed the back of his head, glancing away from Nessa as Chop turned to Chloe

"And you say we're like a married couple." Chop said motioning between himself and Izzy before standing up

"I didn't say _they_ didn't act like it either." Chloe shrugged, grinning at Nessa while Chop walked away over to the bar

Nessa gasped when _Sabotage by the Beastie Boys_ blasted throughout the pub. Finn pressed his tongue to the side of his mouth, shaking his head, claiming his defeat as Rae walked back over to them and taking a seat

"Hey, nice one" Archie complimented

"Yeah. It's not bad for mainstream." Rae shrugged

Finn rolled his eyes, glancing away from Rae.

"I don't think we've been introduced properly." Archie started, taking her hand in his "I'm Archie."

Rae shook his hand and pulled away "Hi Archie"

"No!" Nessa pouted, eyeing the broken cigarette in her hands. Finn and Izzy glanced over at her to see what the problem was then laughed at her.

"You're fine, love, let's get you some water?" Izzy smiled down at her as she stood up, grabbing for Nessa's hands to pull her up. Nessa scoffed, not wanting to sober up.

"Rae, you're still coming to my party on Saturday, right?" Chloe asked leaning over to Rae

"Am I invited?" Rae questioned

The question caused Chloe to gasp "Of course you are, Silly moo!"

"Tell Everyone." Izzy giggled, helping her drunken best friend up

"Alright," Chloe stood up, picking up her glass and tapping it lightly with a spoon as Chop walked back over with a pint in each hand "Right. Listen. As you all know, I am proper excited about moving into my new house, so I am delighted to say that my party on Saturday will be my first ever pool party."

"Whoo!" Izzy cheered, linking her arm through Nessa's

"Wait… what?" Nessa glanced over the gang feeling swarming in her stomach and chest again. A pool party? She couldn't go to a pool party. But it was her best friend's birthday… she had to

"Pool party!" Chop grinned "Get in there! Are you kidding me? Who wants a snake bite?"

"Yeah, I do." Rae said nervously, taking the pint from Chop and proceeding to chug the glass. Nessa watched her, she seemed as nervous as she did. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if they just hung out by the pool and watched the rest of them swim right?

* * *

"This one looks nice" Izzy grabbed a black bikini from a rack and showed it to Nessa. Nessa glanced over, her lips twitching up slightly. "This would look so good on you."

It probably would, but there is no way that she'd where it. Not in front of her friends and definitely not in public. It wasn't that she was body conscious, it's just she's been hiding it this long she can't go and strut around now. Izzy pressed the swim suit to Nessa's ample chest and looked her in the eye

"You're trying it on." Izzy demanded

"Izzy-"

"Ah! No fighting it." Izzy pointed at her before turning her around and pushing her towards the dressing rooms. Nessa stumbled into the empty dressing room, a curtain being the only shield from her and the rest of the store. Nessa looked over the swim suit in her hand and taking a deep breath, hanging it on a hook. The girl kicked of her beat up sneakers, followed by her socks. Nessa hesitated before unbuttoning her jeans and tugging them down her thighs. The jeans dropped to the floor and pushed them to the side before reaching up and pulling off her floral shirt.

Nessa closed her eyes immediately when she caught sight of herself in the mirror. She slowly opened them again, seeing patterns of red lines on both of her thighs, her hips, and her upper ribcage. Nessa ran her fingers over the cuts on her thigh, flinching at the burning it caused. She shook her head, reaching for the top of the bikini and sliding it on, followed by the bottoms. She felt she looked alright in the suit but it showed _everything_. She couldn't where this.

"How's it look?" Izzy asked from outside the curtain which caused Nessa to jump

"It's nice." Nessa replied, glancing back then back to the mirror. The girl reached up and rubbed her temples, hoping it would ease her massive hangover from her noon time drinking but it did no good. After a good long stare at her body in the suit she decided to get it anyway. She stripped the suit from her body, pulling on her original clothes and wrapping her jacket around her waist and tying it. Nessa pulled open the curtain, bathing suit in hand and holding it up and grinning at Izzy.

Izzy squealed, jumping up and down for a moment before the two walked over to the cash register. Nessa handed the cashier the money before the woman stuffed the suit in a bag and handed it to her.

"Thank you." Nessa smiled at her. The fire alarm blared through the store causing the girls to curse

"Where's Chloe an' Rae?" Izzy asked looking over at Nessa but she just shrugged.

Nessa turned her attention on Rae who was covered by only a inflatable alligator, Chloe coming up behind her.

"Oh no" Nessa whispered

* * *

Nessa sat in the wooden swing, a foot handing off and a leg pulled up against her chest. She had been wearing the suit she had bought but was covered with basketball shorts and a white shirt. Her leg swung slightly as she held up a beaten up copy of 'The Hobbit' that she had been reading.

"Hey." Rae said, smiling at her before sitting in the swing beside her

"Hey, sweetheart" Nessa greeted with a grin on her face, glancing over at her and taking in her appearance "You not swimming?"

"I dunno. Maybe later." Rae shrugged shoving a pair of sunglasses on and pulling out several disks "Are you?"

"Probably not" Nessa replied pursing her lips to the side and shaking her head slightly. Nessa glanced at the rest of the gang before turning back to her book.

"Oi, Ness, Help me up?" Finn asked, his arms resting on the edge of the pool

"Finn, there are perfectly good stairs over there." Nessa pointed out, shutting her book

"But I'm here and the stairs are all the way over there." Finn whined

Nessa rolled her eyes and stood up from her seat and walked to the edge of the pool

"Finn Nelson, I swear to god if you pull me in I will murder you, bring you back, then murder you again." Nessa warned holding out her hand

"Got it." Finn nodded taking hold of the girls' hand. Nessa pulled up slightly but froze when she saw that cheeky grin creep up onto his face.

"Oh shi-"

Finn pulled the girl into the water, laughing. The girl sprung from the water. Nessa punched him in the arm then proceeded to splash the boy.

"God you're such an ass." Nessa shook her head before laughing along with him.

Finn flipped his hair "I know."

Nessa laughed at him, pushing him slightly

Chloe glanced down at her feet in the water before looking over at Rae then swimming over to her

"Is there something wrong?" Chloe asked

"No, why?" Rae replied

"So, why aren't you getting involved?" Chloe questioned, tilting her head slightly

"I'm DJ-ing," Rae stated "Duh."

"Well, we don't need a DJ." Chloe stated "Just stick on NOW 33"

"Are you kidding me?" Rae started "It's got 'Father and Son' by Boyzone on it"

"Just get out and skip it." Chloe suggested "Look, you're not gonna make friends if you're sitting on the sidelines all the time."

Rae hesitated, "People are talking about that?"

Chloe glanced at the rest of the group then back at Rae, "They might be. Look you don't want people thinking you're weird do ya'?"

Rae shook her head

"You don't want people thinking you're not normal? Just come in." Chloe told but Rae hesitated again "You are boring."

Chloe swam away and Rae stood up undoing her robe and walking over to the slide. Nessa flicked Finn's ear and immediately turned away. Finn gasped before grabbing her around the waist and dunking himself and her under water then coming back up. The duo laughed at each other, freezing when they heard a high screech come from the slide. Nessa turned her head, smile faltering when her eyes scanned over Rae's body, finally landing on her scarred up thighs.

Nessa swallowed the knot in her throat, feeling sympathy flow through her like tidal waves. That was why Nessa had a connection with her, they weren't all that different. And it made her feel terrible thinking that her first thought to Rae's scars were 'I'm not alone' She wished it had been something more sympathetic and unselfish. Finn's arms were still wrapped around her waist, Archie sitting on an inflatable toy, Chloe not too far from them. Izzy and Chop popped back out from underneath the water, following the stares.

"Oh god." Chloe whispered

Nessa tried to look anywhere but at Rae, she didn't need any more eyes on her than she already has.

"Chop?" Rae called

"Yes, m'dear?" Chop asked, hopping slightly over to her

"Come and use those big swans you've been building to pull my fat butt off this slide." Rae demanded

Chop grinned, "Not a problem, Rae."

Chop swam over to the slide, taking hold of Rae's feet and tugging her off the slide. Both of them landing underwater. The duo resurfaced and they swam over to the rest of the gang

"Barman! A lemon hooch if you'd be so kind." Rae shouted and lifted up her middle fingers "And turn that shit off!"

* * *

"Who's going to the chippy? Cause I'm yamming." Chop asked glancing around the sauna

Nessa scoffed, sweating a little bit more than the rest of the gang do to the extra clothing

"We should play a game for it" Izzy suggested

"Alright, yeah, I've got a good one." Rae said sitting up

"What?" Izzy asked

"Maybe," Rae started "the last one into the pool should go?"

The group glanced around at each other before making a break for it. Nessa laughed at Finn who was the last one so far and once he caught up with her, he grabbed her and pushed himself and her into the water.

* * *

**A/N**: A much longer chapter than the prologue. I hope you guys like it so far, I've got so much planned for Ness and Finn ;)


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